Evidence Folder

ANALYZING…
FILE TYPE: Illegal Recording
PERIOD: Pre-Expedition
SPEAKERS: NuCaloric Lawyer [ID: HBER], NuCaloric Manager [ID: KHOS], NuCaloric Marketer [ID: SLYR]
TOPIC: Nutritional Label Compliance
SUMMARY: A surreptitiously recorded conversation prior to the public release of NuCaloric 187, the Drinkable Cheeseburger. Metadata has been deliberately scrambled to conceal the identity of the individual wearing the recording device.
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[static]

[HBER]: No, you can't market Number 187 as a "cheeseburger" without ingredient disclaimers. At the very least, you need to specify "no dairy or animal-derived proteins."

[KHOS]: Ugh, I thought we were past this. Any consumer could infer that we—

[HBER]: Post-famine labeling laws are crystal clear on this point.

[KHOS]: Who is going to ask us for protein sources, huh? The holdout dinosaurs still clinging to "natural whole foods"?

[SLYR]: And here comes the soap box.

[KHOS]: Anything that doesn't come from a lab is a useless vestigial luxury. What do they want us to do? Trace synth-meat provenance back to the original farm animal? Ridiculous.

[HBER]: You're making a bigger deal out of this than I am.

[SLYR]: Well, any disclaimer is going to compete against brand visuals on the packaging. So it is a big deal.

[KHOS]: We've weathered regulatory slaps on the wrist before. It's fine.

[HBER]: Not if we attract trouble before the UESC joint venture. Do I have to remind you what's at stake? Work with me. This time, we do it by the book.

[beeps]

[SLYR]: How about… boilerplate 50 for small consumer goods? Short and sweet. "NuCaloric number 187 does not contain dairy, gluten, or animal products. Shelf-stability guaranteed for 50 years."

[KHOS]: Oh, working a consumer feature in there. Clever.

[HBER]: Good enough.

[SLYR]: Which brings us to slogan curation. Disclaimers have a minimum font size, so this slogan has to stick.

[audible groans]

[SLYR]: "No Cow Necessary."

[HBER]: Already did something like that.

[SLYR]: "Delicious at Any Temperature."

[KHOS]: Ew.

[SLYR]: "Drinkable, Shareable, Shelf-Stable!"

[HBER]: I'll get started on the consult. Thanks, everyone.

[shuffles, door closes]

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TYPE: TEXT [X]; AUDIO [X]