ANALYZING… FILE TYPE: Illegal Recording PERIOD: Pre-Expedition SPEAKERS: NuCaloric Lawyer [ID: HBER], NuCaloric Manager [ID: KHOS], NuCaloric Marketer [ID: SLYR] TOPIC: Nutritional Label Compliance SUMMARY: A surreptitiously recorded conversation prior to the public release of NuCaloric 187, the Drinkable Cheeseburger. Metadata has been deliberately scrambled to conceal the identity of the individual wearing the recording device. =================================================================== [static] [HBER]: No, you can't market Number 187 as a "cheeseburger" without ingredient disclaimers. At the very least, you need to specify "no dairy or animal-derived proteins." [KHOS]: Ugh, I thought we were past this. Any consumer could infer that we— [HBER]: Post-famine labeling laws are crystal clear on this point. [KHOS]: Who is going to ask us for protein sources, huh? The holdout dinosaurs still clinging to "natural whole foods"? [SLYR]: And here comes the soap box. [KHOS]: Anything that doesn't come from a lab is a useless vestigial luxury. What do they want us to do? Trace synth-meat provenance back to the original farm animal? Ridiculous. [HBER]: You're making a bigger deal out of this than I am. [SLYR]: Well, any disclaimer is going to compete against brand visuals on the packaging. So it is a big deal. [KHOS]: We've weathered regulatory slaps on the wrist before. It's fine. [HBER]: Not if we attract trouble before the UESC joint venture. Do I have to remind you what's at stake? Work with me. This time, we do it by the book. [beeps] [SLYR]: How about… boilerplate 50 for small consumer goods? Short and sweet. "NuCaloric number 187 does not contain dairy, gluten, or animal products. Shelf-stability guaranteed for 50 years." [KHOS]: Oh, working a consumer feature in there. Clever. [HBER]: Good enough. [SLYR]: Which brings us to slogan curation. Disclaimers have a minimum font size, so this slogan has to stick. [audible groans] [SLYR]: "No Cow Necessary." [HBER]: Already did something like that. [SLYR]: "Delicious at Any Temperature." [KHOS]: Ew. [SLYR]: "Drinkable, Shareable, Shelf-Stable!" [HBER]: I'll get started on the consult. Thanks, everyone. [shuffles, door closes] =================================================================== TYPE: TEXT [X]; AUDIO [X]